Ella Enchanted University
by Vyerna Malice
Summary: A spin off of Camilla Sandman's wonderful work, OFUM. People write fanfiction but do they stop to think about the characters feelings? What if the characters banded together to teach us all a thing or two?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Ella Enchanted and I don't own the whole University idea. Gail Carson Levine owns Ella Enchanted and Camilla Sandman owns the University Idea. Thanks.  
  
"Lymanatrayalatorwassanasarasal." 'That is a perfect name for a character,' she thought. 'An. elven character with a. traumatic past. Yes.' Suddenly, she got the feeling that someone was looking at her. She turned around slowly and came face to face with a. something. This something had. hair. Yes. Hair. Black, greasy, ugly hair in massive amounts.  
  
"Why hello Miss." It consulted a clipboard. "Ah. Miss Rose." It's mouth twisted upwards into a smile. "Rose Black. How perfectly. charming to meet you. You have been accepted into the Ella Enchanted Fanfiction University. I'm sure you will be pleased. Would you be so kind as to stop staring at me? I'm not going to eat you yet." 'Gotta be the sugar. Please be the sugar. Aaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I have an ogre in my bedroom.'  
  
"Um. heh heh heh. Yeah. I'll just be going now. Yeah. Or um. you'll be going. Yeah!"  
  
"Hmmm. I think not. I shall say it again. You have been accepted into the Ella Enchanted University for writing a horrible story about a thief who finds love with a prince. And for thinking about a new story. Excuse me while I laugh. Lymantrayalatorwassanasarasal? Now then. If you'll just complete this form, we'll have you installed in your own nice little dorm room in about three seconds. So. Write." The ogre handed her a form. She began to read it.  
  
"You," it said. "Are quite obviously stupid. You have also written a truly awful piece of fanfiction. We are quite obviously smart. Therefore, it is our moral right and obligation to attempt to educate you. Please fill out the following form and give back to SeeF. If you don't, SeeF will fill it out for you. He will turn you into an ogre. You probably do not want that. It would be within your best interests to fill this out. Thank you.  
  
Sincerely, EEU Coordinator and Head of Staff  
  
Liza Vyerna Malice Addams"  
  
'Okay... Maybe she was delusional. Ah well. It couldn't really hurt to fill it in.' So, she began.  
  
"Name: Rose Black  
  
Race: Elven  
  
Favorite Character: Prince Charmont  
  
Lust Object: Prince Charmont  
  
Favorite Race: Elves  
  
Favorite Profession/s: Thief and Royalty  
  
Your idea of Royalty: You get to sit around all day and order people around and wear neat clothes and wear an crown and be important and have bunches of money and stuff.  
  
Idea of Thieves: You steal stuff, but your not really bad and you fall in love with royalty and you get to have nice clothes and you're a really, really, very, very neat person.  
  
Slash or No: No its ICKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Did you write a story about one of Char and Ella's descendants? Whats a decendant? Did you write a Mary-Sue? No.  
  
Did people tell you it was a Mary-Sue? Yes, but they don't know  
  
ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Did you flame them and throw a "cute" little fit? Yes.  
  
If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? Um. no-yes-NO!!!  
  
Did you fail grammar school? Yes.  
  
We thank you for your time. Please sign on the dotted line.  
  
X........................  
  
She gave it back to SeeF and yawned. She climbed into bed, fell asleep and dreamed of cute little fluffy bunnies jumping around on green grass with lots of flowers.  
  
I'd like to say that all grammatical errors in bold are intentional. I'm very ashamed of them. Thanks. You're all welcome to enroll, just use the above form questions and review it to me. And Liza is pronounced Liz-uh. Oh yeah. please enroll. Bye. 


	2. The SnickerDoodles?

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't own, no one owns but the Authoress herself. Yay for the Authoress. All grammatical errors in Rose's talking are on purpose. The Snicker- Doodles are a horrible band that I made up myself. They snicker. A lot. Reviews welcome, as always. Enrollment is still open. Thank you to all you reviewers. Enjoy.  
  
Rose woke up to the sound of snickering. Loud, noisy, coming toward you faster and louder, all around you, never ending snickering. She rolled over. And off the bed. 'Ow. Smart Rose. Real smart.' And all the while the snickering was going on, coming at her, louder and louder, faster.  
  
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! NO MOMMY, I DIDN'T DO IT! PLEASE MOMMY, DON'T MAKE ME LISTEN TO THE SNICKER-DOODLES!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Calm down girl. What's your name? Come on, calm down. Screaming brings them. Please, calm down."  
  
"Who's them? Where are we? Who's you? What happened? What's with all the snickering? Please say it's not the Snicker-Doodles."  
  
"They are the mini-ogre-dragons. Some smart person wrote a character that was half ogre and half dragon. I am Christena Kay. We are in the Ella Enchanted University. The snickering is going to be played over the loudspeaker until we go to the auditorium. And yes, it is the Snicker- Doodles. How did you know?"  
  
"My mom used to play them whenever I did something wrong. She'd lock me in my room, put the CD player where I couldn't reach it and take away all the stuff that I could stand on and play it and leave me in there for an hour. I couldn't even plug my ears, she took away my blankets and tied my hands behind my back and gagged me with duct tape so I couldn't hum."  
  
"Eek. Well, let's go to the auditorium." As Rose walked out of her room, she was immediately confronted by an ogre. Or, it looked like an ogre. Well, it had a tail covered in red scales. And it was breathing fire. Eep? Definitely. Both girls would have screamed and run back to their rooms, but there was a large hand on each of their shoulders. They turned around slowly.  
  
"Well, well, well, what have we here?"  
  
"IT'S JULIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!" shrieked Christena.  
  
"Who's Juliet?" asked the oblivious Rose.  
  
"I am Juliet Norrington, Head of the mini-ogre-dragon fleet, one of which you see before you. I have been asked by Liza to escort you to the auditorium. Please, follow me." The girls followed, gaping at the seemingly ordinary human leading them towards what they assumed was the auditorium. They walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked, then they skipped just for some variety, and then they walked and walked and walked and walked.  
  
"What kind of place is this?" panted Rose.  
  
"You're concentrating. Stop concentrating on where we are going. Think about something else. It's like the PPC Headquarters. The more you concentrate, the longer you walk."  
  
"Okay, I'll think about. Prince Charmont. and how I'm going to meet him and make him divorce Ella and marry me!!!"  
  
"I doubt that this little 'plan' will succeed." She sounded amused, like she knew something that Rose didn't. Maybe she did.  
  
When they got to the auditorium, Rose and Christena gaped at the large room. It was. huge. Hugely huge. Humongously huge. Then, a loud booming voice announced,  
  
"Welcome to The Official Ella Enchanted University for stupid people such as yourself." 


	3. Always Remember to Stop, Drop and Roll

A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed, and I'm terribly sorry about the wait. I was working on 'To Sail Away', my Pirates of the Caribbean story. Oh yeah, if you haven't written an Ella Enchanted fic, pretend you have for the sake of the story please. I made up another character for this chapter so I could have someone write up an ogre-dragon. I'm sorry if I haven't put you in yet, but I'm still pretty new at the university thing. Plus, I need plot development. Oh yes... If any of ya'll want to drop me a quick line, my IM on yahoo is depressingblackness and on AOL, my IM is demonmalice69. And Rush is a real band with real songs and they rock. Yes... I have a small obsession. They write good music and have good lyrics. And they are, in number, three. And they sound like a whole orchestra. If anyone reading this story has heard of them, drop me a line in a review. Anyway.... Forward HO!  
  
"You," continued the voice, "are all very, very stupid. We, at the Ella Enchanted University, feel that is our moral right and obligation to educate you so that you write good fics instead of the trash fics that you are all very fond of writing. The term will begin tomorrow. You will get your schedules the day after tomorrow. If you do not show up at your classes tomorrow, you will all have to polish the scales of the mini-ogre- dragons. Oh yes, thank you Coco Kitty Cat, for the wonderful idea for the minis. You might want to spell your name right next time though. Now then...- ."  
  
"You forgot about the books, Liza," said Juliet.  
  
"Oh yes. The books. I'll get to that after I'm done with the mini rules. Now then.... If you glomp, tackle, drool at or otherwise lust, or act upon your lust for any of the staff or any of the characters, the minis will glomp, tackle and drool on you." She stopped.  
  
"The books," hissed Juliet.  
  
"You will get your books tomorrow. They will be attached to you. They will slow you down considerably. You will not complain, or you will clean up the Centaur pit. If you try to attack any of the staff members who are keeping you from your lust objects, Saroun will kill you. Painfully. Then you will be reincarnated as a beetle, mashed into a concrete surface and reincarnated as yourself again. Now, I defer to Saroun to tell you how you will be killed."  
  
"Torture! Pain!" a gravelly voice yelled excitedly. The fangirls recoiled and looked around for someone to save them. Revenge my Socks squealed.  
  
"Maybe SeeF will get on next!" A scuffle was heard over the loudspeaker and then the voice of Liza screamed,  
  
"SeeF!!! NO!" Then it returned to normal and said, "SeeF will be teaching Ogres are NOT Nice People and are Really Quite Mean and Powerful 101. You will be forced to work and do many papers on that subject. I will see to it that you all fail. Hattie will be teaching How to Properly Torment Your Sister/Step-Sister 101. You will be forced to do many things that you wish not to do. I will laugh at you. Ella will teach How to Be A Proper Heroine With A Proper Romance. You will be forced to curtsey properly. I will snicker unpleasantly and trip you. Ella will not care. Other 'characters' will teach other classes, but I think that that was all I needed to cover right now. If you will excuse me, I have to go torment people. Have a wonderful day." Rose sighed. Why did life have to suck so much? Well... there was a silver lining on every cloud and this cloud had a huge silver lining. After all... Prince Charmont was here. She just had to convince him that Ella wasn't the girl for him. Isilhen Kirielle looked over at Rose pityingly.  
  
"I suppose you're trying to think of a way to get the Prince to love you. Tough luck, but he loves Ella."  
  
"Well you don't know nothing about it!" Rose's face had turned an interesting shade of purple and she was sputtering. It was rather amusing, which explains why Juliet Norrington, who had just dropped in to contradict Rose, was laughing somewhat hysterically at Rose's florid face and defensive posture. When she gained control of herself, she adopted a sarcastic, slightly aloof expression and said dryly,  
  
"Referring to your earlier, grammatically incorrect remark, if she didn't know nothing, then she would be one of the few incredibly lucky people who knew everything. Since she ended up as a student here, I seriously doubt that she knows everything. Isilhen, thank Rose for her lovely compliment. After all... it would be incredibly rude to not thank her." Isilhen nodded her thanks. Rose decided to slip away. "Now, now, Rose dear... Where are you going?" Juliet's voice was now sugary sweet, as if she was holding in a very loud scream. "We certainly can't have you running off by yourself can we? I'll just have to ask SeAf to accompany you." Giving Rose no time to reply, she whistled the opening notes of Bravado, by Rush. It had begun with a strange quirk of Liza's. She had made them listen to all Rush albums in existence. It had been very educational. All of the staff members now knew all Rush songs by heart. Incidentally, the mini's had loved all of the songs, so if you wanted them to come quickly, all you had to do was whistle the first few notes of their favorite songs. All staff members carried around a list of which mini liked which song best.  
  
SeAf appeared promptly, ready and waiting to flatten any fangirl in his tracks. Juliet looked up at the mini. In an interesting paradox, all of the minis at EEU were huge.  
  
"SeAf, would you please escort Miss Black to wherever she wishes to go. Feel free to torment her on the way. Miss Black, I believe that you wanted to go somewhere." Rose twitched slightly and began walking out. Apparently she wasn't walking fast enough for SeAf, because he let loose a tiny burst of flames, aiming for her sparkly pink pants. His aim was slightly off though, because he hit her bright red and neon green striped shirt.  
  
"Well... it was an eyesore anyway," commented a calm Liza who had wandered over to watch the comedy unfold. This Juliet placed in contrast to Rose, who was running around screaming her head off, completely forgetting the nice fireman's lessons. After all... they did tell you to 'Stop, Drop and Roll.' 


End file.
